Archive for the ‘09-10 season’ Category

Back to the Future

May 21, 2010

paul ince

Hola. I hope you are all well. 

So much seems to have happened since the last time I posted, so I’ll just run through some of the things that caught my eye. 

Firstly, the inevitable happened at West Ham, Gianfranco Zola got the sack as manager. He took it with his usual good grace. It does appear that Zola is universally liked. If anyone wants to oppose this view and wants to slag him off, feel free to via the comments box. At the time of writing West Ham have yet to announce a new manager (although the world and its wife knows it’s going to be Avram Grant). What I would do if I was advising Paul Ince, is to tell him to go to Upton Park and pose with a West Ham shirt, prior to a new manager being appointed. I’m sure the West Ham fans would get the irony and laugh about it for years to come. 

Also since my last post, Fabio Capello announced his 30 man England squad. Jamie Carragher is back in the fold, having retired from International football in 2007. I wonder what persuaded him to come out of his self-imposed retirement, just before the World Cup. Paul Scholes on the other hand decided he’d stay retired despite being asked to come back. Instead he’ll be training children in America. I’ve got to be honest, I respect that kind of stubbornness, but on the downside, expect to see in a couple of years, American players, who can shoot, pass and score goals but are p*ss poor at tackling. At the time of writing there is no rumour that Capello tried to talk Bobby Charlton out of retirement. 

There was however strong speculation that Owen Hargreaves was going to be in the 30 man squad, that was until Mr Ferguson had a word with Fabio Capello, to put him right. I’m not surprised Mr Ferguson had a word. I’ve played as much Premiership football as Owen Hargreaves in the last year. (dunno if this is factually correct, I couldn’t be bothered to check Owen Hargreaves’ appearance record) 

Chelsea went on to complete the double, beating Portsmouth in the FA Cup Final. Like most right-minded people I was supporting Portsmouth, but if your two best players are ‘Cross Bar’ and ‘Post’ you’re probably going to struggle to win. 

Lord Triesman had to step down from his role at the FA, after he was recorded saying controversial things during a conversation with someone he believed to be a friend. I’ve got some sympathy for him, because if someone recorded some of the conversations I have with my friends, not only would I have to step down from the FA, I’d probably be facing legal action. That is why if I meet up with friends I insist that we are naked, this way I know they are not wired. It’s worked well so far, although we do get the odd strange look in pubs. 

And Finally… on my previous post ‘Sexy Football’ I mentioned how thinking about Emile Heskey during love-making, can keep guys going longer than they otherwise would. After reading it a friend emailed me and said,          Rory Delap does it for him, which I thought was a good use of call back to a previous subject I’d been talking about. 

That’s all from me. Til next time, stay safe!

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Sexy Football

May 7, 2010

emile heskey

Hola, hope you are all well.

There seems to be a real love-in between the media and cheeky chappy cockney manager Harry Redknapp especially now that Spurs have secured 4th spot in the Premiership. I was hoping Man City would have pipped Spurs, but it wasn’t to be. Something tells me City’s failure to get the 4th spot won’t affect their finances. I do think it would be funny if after all this fuss about who would finish 4th, Spurs got knocked out at the qualifying stages. That might be the ‘bitter me’ coming out.

The race for the Premiership title is still up for grabs, between Chelsea and Man Utd. (I won’t say I can’t see how Chelsea can lose it from here, for fear of jinxing it). Talking of Chelsea I watched their match against Liverpool. Which was a bit odd. Watching your own side and not wanting them to win goes against every natural instincts of a football fan. The only way I can describe it, is to suggest it’s like losing your wife’s ‘honour’  in a card game to someone you know. And with it being Chelsea, that would be someone you don’t even like. Then you have to watch, not in private but with the Sky TV cameras there. And just when you question whether they are going to go through with the deed, Steven Gerrard gives them a helping hand. The analogy may have got a little mixed up, but you get my point. Let me know if you’ve been put in a similar position, football wise, or if you’ve lost your wife in a card game.  There is some good news for Liverpool fans as Sky Sports News announced Martin Skrtel has resumed full training. This might turn the season around, which consists of a game away to Hull.

Since my last post Barcelona have crashed out of the Champions League at the hands of Inter Milan. I can’t help thinking if Barcelona had Rory Delap in their team, they would have gone through. Don’t forget you can still vote on who you think is more influential to their team, Rory Delap or Lionel Messi. scroll down to poll.

And Finally… I saw an article that claimed that thinking about Emile Heskey during sex can prolong the process (see here) This offers up more questions than it answers, for example, who actually uses this method? Or, has anyone asked you for the purposes of a survey how you prolong ejaculating? Or, does Emile Heskey use this method (feel free to let us know if you’re reading this, Emile)? So next time you feel you’re about to finish before satisfying your other half, start chanting Emile Heskey’s name. It probably won’t prolong things but you’ll have fun answering awkward questions afterwards. 

Til next time, stay safe!

A week’s a long time in politics

April 20, 2010

holly willoughby

Hola. Hope you are all well. 

They say a week’s a long time in politics but it’s also a long time in football, especially if you’re supposed to be blogging about it and haven’t been. 

Anyway, let me take  you back a couple of weekends ago, the world was a different place back then, planes were allowed to fly, Adrian Chiles  was a valued member of the BBC and no one really knew who Nick Clegg was. It was also the FA Cup Semi Final weekend and that is where I would like to start this blog. Firstly can we all SHUT UP about the Wembley pitch. I get it, some players slipped over, but the way the managers talked about it and the way the press have reported it, you’d think the players were asked to play the match on ice. To be fair that does sound like an ITV programme in the waiting, ‘The FA Cup on Ice’ hosted by Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby and maybe a role for Adrian Chiles

One of the pre-match facts that came out of the Portsmouth/Tottenham semi and was somewhat overlooked  is that Avram Grant texts Harry Redknapp everyday. Is this kind of thing normal for two middle-aged men to do. The only person I text everyday is the other half, and often that’s just to say, “what do you want for dinner”? Who do you text each day that isn’t your loved one??? Feel free to let me know. 

Also that weekend I watched the Real Madrid vs Barcelona game             (El Clasico if you want to look as if you’re in the know), where Barcelona won the game quite easily 2-0. That made me think, if Real Madrid can’t compete with Barcelona despite spending £250m in the summer, who could give them a game? Then I thought I’d like to see how they’d fair on a wet Tues night taking on Stoke at the Britannia stadium in November. I bet they’ve never had to face anything like Rory Delap’s long throws. This then led me to think who is more influential to their side Lionel Messi for Barcelona or Rory Delap for Stoke City. So I thought I’d let you decide, so who is more influential Messi or Delap? 

Talking of influential players, if Wayne Rooney doesn’t win the Player of the Year, I’ll eat my proverbial hat. But I was surprised his team-mate ‘OG’ wasn’t shortlisted, it’s an effing disgrace, afterall he is the second top scorer at Old Trafford. 

And Finally… I know someone who had a birthday party with his football team-mates. By the end of the party it descended into chaos, with them taking off their tops and exposing their ‘privates’. This I must add was a       6 year old’s birthday party, which makes me think is this behaviour inherent in footballers or learnt behaviour ? 

Til next time, Stay safe!

Actions speak louder than words

April 9, 2010

kevin mcdonald

 Hola. I hope you are well.

So much seems to have happened since my last post, for example it was nice to see Mr Ferguson having something to celebrate this week, as the horse he co-owns ‘What a Friend’, won at a meet at Aintree (see here). I suppose after defeats this season at Anfield and Goodison, he was overdue a victory on Merseyside. It was also nice he could share his victory with his good pal and puppet Sam Allardyce. And who are Man Utd playing next in the title run-in, Blackburn Rovers, managed by a certain Sam Allardyce, ‘What a friend’ indeed.

Talking of  Big Sam , he’s apparently told Paul Robinson to ring Fabio Capello and ask him why he’s being ignored (see here). I can see a flaw in this plan, because if Fabio is truly ignoring Paul Robinson, he just won’t answer the call. I’ve known women like this. What Paul Robinson should do, if he’s reading this, is to ring Fabio from a friend’s phone and when Fabio picks up, he can announce himself, job done. If he’s short of friends willing to lend him their phone, apparently Ashley Cole has a spare.

There has been plenty of talk about the Champions League, what with Man Utd’s exit and Arsenal getting spanked by Barcelona and Messi. But I’d like to go back to the first leg game of Arsenal/Barcelona at the Emirates. At 2-0 to Barca, I switched over to watch the remainder of the match on my cursed TV (see previous blog ‘it was the curse of times’). Picture the scene, I’m sat on the sofa next to the other half, who is not that interested in football. Then Theo Walcott comes on as substitute, and because I have a bit of  a thing against Theo, I’m sat there slagging him off. At one point I said something along the lines of “he’s quick. but so is Usain Bolt and you don’t see him playing for Arsenal”. As I just finish this rant, who should pop and score, Theo ‘bloody’ Walcott, making me look a tit (more of a tit) in front of the missus. What makes it worse, is there’s not much she thinks I know about but football is one of those things, so thanks a lot Theo.

I suppose it could have been worse, last season I could have ridiculed a striker that missed a presentable chance by saying “my wife could have scored that”, only to see that exact same player score 2 goals against my team, leading to a 3-1 defeat. Hello cheeky cockney, Harry Redknapp, if you’re reading this.

And Finally… We all know actions speak louder than words, so congratulations to Kevin McDonald of Burnley who according to press reports went to the pub at half-time of the Man City game (see here). In his defence they were 5-0 down at the time and he did follow the game when he got to the pub. It must have worked as they drew the second half . Maybe just maybe, he’s stumbled across a master plan, take note Brian Laws.

Til Next Time, Stay Safe!

Who’d be a manager? Probably Sven

March 31, 2010

diego maradona

Hola. I hope you are well. 

I thought I’d post a new blog a few days after the last one, mainly because the last one ‘It was the curse of times’ had even less football than my usual posts.  Today’s post is dominated by managers, I didn’t set out to theme it that way it’s just the way it worked out. Tis a bit like life. 

The first manager I would like to talk about is, Sven Goran Eriksson, who in the last few days has been named as the new Ivory Coast manager for the World Cup, earning a possible £2m if you believe the papers (I know I do). I reckon Sven is the 2nd luckiest man in football, mainly because he always seems to land on his feet. After England he went onto manage Man City when Thaksin Shinawatra took over the club and looked like he had money to spend. He managed Mexico briefly and then turned up at Notts County, when they suddenly seemed to have bags of money. When that money magically disappeared so did Sven. And now he turns up as manager of Ivory Coast. The only guy in football luckier than Sven is Tord Grip, who despite no one really knowing what he does, turns up where ever Sven does. (except maybe  Ulrika’s bedroom) 

The next manager I’d like to talk about is Tony Mowbray. I’ve got to say I feel a bit sorry for him. Afterall anyone can lose to St Mirren. Ok maybe not everyone can lose 4-0 to St Mirren, especially when you’re Celtic. However 7 months does seem a little soon to be sacked. I wonder if those Celtic fans who wanted Gordon Strachan out, now think they were a little hasty. 

Another manager I have sympathy for is Gianfranco Zola. It wasn’t that long ago that he and Steve Clarke were being tipped as a future Chelsea management team. Now he seems like a dead man walking. Does anyone reading this, think that he will be in the West Ham job after the season ends. I can’t imagine Zola thinks he’ll be in the job after the season ends. For a start co-owner David Sullivan has already come out and publicly blasted his players after they lost 3-0 to Wolves at home. To be fair to David Sullivan he probably had a point, they did lose 3-0 at home to Wolves. It could have been worse, it could have been 4-0 to St Mirren. Zola then retaliated by banning David Sullivan from speaking to the players, which is never a great thing to do to your boss. They’re basically acting like couples who are coming to the end of their relationship and up arguing at social gatherings because they can’t be arsed to keep up the pretence. 

Roy Keane is also under pressure at Ipswich with some rumours saying he’s close to getting sacked. I hope he doesn’t go, I enjoy his press conferences too much. He’s become an unlikely comedy genius. 

If it’s not chairmen and owners threatening managers it’s dogs. It has been reported that Diego Maradona was bit on his lip by his pet dog after he’d bent down to give it a kiss. In the dogs defence, your honour, I’m sure through its eyes, the squat Maradona bearing down on it probably looked like another dog  encroaching on its space. 

There was even a rumour that Martin O’Neill had walked out on Villa, although this proved to be made up by those naughty tweeters, which brings me onto why I don’t bet anymore. On Saturday morning I was thinking  about the Chelsea/Villa game. In my head I thought it would be a close game, maybe even a draw, especially as Villa are draw specialists. So you can imagine my surprise when I come in from a Green Festival to see Chelsea had battered Villa, 7-1. Should you need any tips for this weekend’s games feel free to contact me. 

Til next time, stay safe!

It was the curse of times

March 26, 2010

michelle mcgee

Hola. Hope you are well. 

There’s been plenty of talk about curses and jinxes, due largely to the fact that Sandra Bullock maybe the latest victim of the ‘Oscar curse’. The curse being if you win the Best Actress award at the Oscars you will at some point lose your husband. Sandra Bullock’s husband allegedly enjoyed ‘adult cuddles’ with Michelle McGee (see pic at top of blog). Others that have suffered in this way include, Kate Winslet, Reese Witherspoon, Hilary Swank and Halle Berry amongst others. To me it says more about marriage and men, than it does about a curse. What has this got to do with football, you may ask, good question, but I think I may be a victim of a curse. I think  my TV is cursed. When we moved into the flat I currently reside, we were given a TV by my girlfriends auntie’s friend. Nice you might think, so did I, until I realised it was cursed. I’ve watched a few football games on this TV and have never seen Liverpool win on it. Even when I’m watching games with other teams involved, as soon as I support one team, you can guarantee they will lose. So with this in mind I went to my local pub to watch Liverpool vs Lille, despite it being on Channel 5 and they won 3-0. If I’d have watched it at home, Liverpool would have definitely crashed out of the Europa League. 

Here’s another thing, now we are on the subject. It’s common wisdom that you should never tempt the Football Gods because they will always have the last laugh. I ignored these basic rules, because on the radio show I’m involved in (BBC Radio Manchester, every Sat morning 8-9am) I was joking about how a Blackburn fan, had flown from Australia to see his team play only to miss the game due to our crap trains. I was saying on the show, that I couldn’t work out which was worse, watching Blackburn or being stuck on a train for 8 hrs. Well the Football Gods got me back, because on Sunday my bus didn’t turn up, meaning I missed the first 25 mins of the Man Utd/Liverpool game. I know it’s not quite the same as travelling half way round the world, but it did mean, the only goal I saw was the Man Utd winner, which is never a good thing. 

Ps. The only reason Liverpool lost that game was because my mate Pete was watching. The last few matches between the two teams he’s missed the game due to work commitments and Liverpool won, as my mate Marvin says “You do the Math”. So if any Man Utd players are reading this (I doubt it) and they want to give my mate Pete their win bonuses, they can donate it via me. Cheers 

Til next time, stay safe.

The times they are a changing

March 17, 2010

 

the women's institute

the women's institute

Hola. Hope you are well.

Having not posted a comment for over a week it is noticeable how quickly things change in football. It wasn’t that long ago that David Beckham was making headlines for wearing a scarf /spearheading the campaign against the Glazers, depending on which paper you read. The next minute he’s rupturing his achilles and is flying off to Finland. Who knew Finland was the hot bed of achilles surgery?

It wasn’t too long ago that Phil Brown was defending two of his players Barmby and Bullard, for fighting on a bridge. Why on a bridge, I’m not sure, but to make things worse the fight was watched by some members of the WI (that’s Women’s Institute, not the West Indies). It begs the question, shouldn’t these women from the WI, been at home making jam or or posing for naked calendars? Now Phil Brown is on ‘gardening leave’ having been released by Hull. Is it just football people that get put on ‘gardening leave’, have you ever been put on ‘gardening leave’, let me know.

At this stage of the post I would like to do a Tiger Woods, I don’t mean the cocktail waitresses, I mean a public apology. I would like to apologise to any Reading fans reading this (I doubt there are any). My apology goes back to the FA cup match between Reading and Aston Villa. I missed the first half of the match, I think I’d gone for a  jog, when I came back and Reading were 2-0 up. I then sat down and watched the whole of the second half and the game ended 4-2 to Villa. After the match the ‘experts’ in the TV studio claimed Villa’s fight back was due to a rollicking at half-time by Martin O’neill. It wasn’t, it had nothing to do with Martin O’neill, it was all down to me and for that I apologise.

It’s never nice to see anyone lose their job, especially in these precarious times, but should any of the 85 people laid off at Portsmouth, wish to seek new employment, they should try this place.

It’s been a good week for Steven Gerrard and I don’t mean beating Portsmouth, but the fact he got away with a 2 fingered salute towards the ref in the Wigan game and then got away with smashing Michael Brown in the head. To be fair the latter incident was against Michael Brown, who can only be described in a footballing term as a ‘dirty c-unit’, so he probably deserved it.  They should both think themselves lucky, they wouldn’t like to face Gerrard when he’s ‘defending himself’ .

And Finally… Let’s move onto the big issue. On the last post I mentioned I was going to miss ‘Glee’ to watch the Wigan vs Liverpool game ( I shouldn’t have bothered) and I wasn’t sure when I was going to watch the repeat, well you can rest easy. I caught the repeat on Ch4  on Sunday 5:35. The only problem is I missed this Monday’s Glee to watch Lpool vs Portsmouth and I’m out at a radio recording when it’s repeated this Sun. I could watch it on 4OD but our computer is playing up and I can’t watch it in the library just in case I bump into someone I know. These are the dilemmas of a modern football fan.

Til next time, stay safe!

To boo or not to boo that is the question

March 6, 2010

mike phelan

Hola. Hope you are well.

There’s been plenty of goings on since the past post. There was the whole shaking hands/not shaking hands situation, then there was the Ryan Shawcross tackle. This subject was covered for hours upon hours on both the TV and Radio, it was the most talked about tackle since John Terry’s.

Talking of John Terry there was plenty of discussion as to weather the England fans should boo him at the England vs Egypt. Of course people were going to boo him, not for moral reasons, football fans are not generally that bothered what players get upto off the pitch. People were always going to boo him, cos outside of Chelsea fans, we don’t really like him. I booed him and I didn’t go to the game, I was at home flicking between the match and American Idol. Things got a bit confusing and I ended up booing Randy Jackson. Those that say you shouldn’t boo, said it will bring down the spirit and morale in the camp. I wonder if John Terry was thinking about morale or team spirit when he was boffing Vanessa Perroncel?

In other matters, I’ve heard the phrase, ‘Out of the frying pan and into the fire’ but I’ve never heard of someone going from the frying pan, to the fire, and then to the arga (I couldn’t think of anything better). But Paul Hart who must be a glutton for punishment, has this season gone from managing Portsmouth, and we all know what has happened to them, to QPR where he lasted 5 games and now he has turned up at Crystal Palace, who are currently in administration.

Talking of managers, it has been announced that they will have to fulfil their media duties next season. This will mean that Mr Ferguson will have to speak with the BBC. He hasn’t done so since the BBC did a documentary that had the audacity to claim his son was a bit dodgy. But the reason I’m gutted is that it will mean no more Mike Phelan on Match of the Day. How am I going to live without his words of wisdom every Saturday night? I wonder if he’s on Twitter.

Keeping on the Man Utd theme and Judas, I mean Michael Owen is out for the rest of the season, after sustaining a hamstring injury. Some people have said this has put an end to his chances of going to the World Cup. It’s not his hamstring injury that put an end to his World Cup, but the fact that Fabio Capello had no intention of picking him.

And Finally… I thought I’d let you know what a pussy I have become. I’m going to meet up with some football mates to watch Wigan vs Liverpool on Mon. I was thinking about this and then a thought popped into my head, “When am I going to watch Glee?” I’m going to miss it on E4 and will not be home in time when it goes out on E4+1. It’s now looking like I’ll have to watch it the following Sat on T4. I think you’ll agree you get all the big football stories here.

Til the next post stay safe!

Julian

Bridge troubled over JT

February 26, 2010

  

Mmmmm £1.2m

Hola . I hope you are well. 

This is a historic day, as  Portsmouth become the first Premiership club ever to go into administration.  But seriously how can a Premiership club go into administration, what with all that money sloshing around? That must take some proper mis-management. That’s why I thought it was odd that Peter Storrie the Portsmouth chief executive chose this week to try to defend his £1:2m a year salary.  Firstly. if I was him I would have kept a low profile and secondly I’m no business expert but I reckon I could have taken Portsmouth into administration for a mere  £600 000 a year

Also the John Terry situation has moved on, mainly because Wayne Bridge has come out and said he won’t play in the same England team as John Terry. I understand why Wayne Bridge has done this but it seems like a lose-lose situation for him, he’s not going to the World Cup and John Terry has still boffed the mother of his child. I think purely out of fairness, Toni Terry should take one for the team, where Wayne Bridge is concerned. 

The guy I feel sorry fo in all this is Fabio Capello, it wasn’t long ago that everything seemed to be going to plan for him and the team. A few months on, he has no left back, Rio Ferdinand has back problems, no one seems to know who is the best keeper is, Glen Johnson has been out with a knee problem and Joe Cole hardly plays for Chelsea. Things have got so bad, that some people are calling for Bobby Zamora to be given a chance. 

Talking of Italian managers, Roberto Mancini is coming under pressure at Man City. I don’t think he has to worry just yet, he should wait til he gets the ‘dreaded vote of confidence’ or he sees Craig Bellamy walking towards him with a golf club. 

And Finally…On last week’s blog I questioned why Ashley Cole would need 2 phones, including a pay-as-you-go phone, suggesting it could be for unscrupulous reasons. Well I think I may have done him a disservice, I’ve thought about it and maybe he needed the second phone so he could take advantage of Orange Wednesdays, where you get a  2-4-1 deals on films at the cinema on Wednesdays. Or maybe he needs it to text women pictures of himself in his pants. Who knows??? 

Til Next time, stay safe!

Football’s coming homophobic?

February 17, 2010

anyone like this man?

Hola. I hope you are all well.

It’s probably not the best admission for someone writing a football blog but I have missed a lot of football games recently. I didn’t watch the AC Milan vs Man Utd game, instead I stayed in and watched the Brits and had pancakes. I’d probably say the pancakes were better than the Brits. I also missed all the TV FA Cup games. Partly because they seemed to be on at random times. It was if someone pulled the ties out of one hat, the day the ties were to be played from another hat and the time they would be played from a third hat. It also didn’t help that the ties also fell on Valentine’s weekend. I know people talk about the romance of the cup, but Man City vs Stoke is no aphrodisiac. Even John Terry couldn’t be bothered to stick around for the FA cup so why should I? Not that I follow everything John Terry does.

There’s also been talk of having a play-off to see who should claim the fourth Champion League spot. If the authorities think they can tinker with the status quo, then I have a suggestion. That’s why I’m proposing Tottenham should not be allowe to enter the Champions League even if they finish in fourth spot at the end of this season. My reasoning being, no side that’s been beaten home and away by Wolves should be allowed to play in Europe’s top competition.

The question of whether football is homophobic cropped up last week, when a FA campaign to fight homophobia was scrapped before it started. I don’t think football is homophobic and I certainly hope it isn’t, I just think it’s a strange industry. It’s an industry where Greame Le Saux was viewed with suspicion because he read the Guardian. It’s also the only high profile industry that doesn’t employ an asian person at an high level. Even the police have black and asian members (albeit the highest ranking police officer did get sent to jail last week). But football isn’t homophobic and I can prove it, because after a goal has been scored, especially an important one, the players and the fans are openly hugging and kissing each other. And that is well gay.

And Finally… Isn’t Ashley Cole a wazzock and I choose those words carefully. Does anyone like Ashley Cole? Not think he’s a good player but actually like him. Don’t get me wrong I’m not overly fussed what he gets upto in his private life, it’s just the way he tries to wriggle out of it. For example, why does someone who earns around £100 000 a week need a pay-as-you-go phone? But then this is a guy who by his own admission said he almost crashed his car when Arsenal offered him £55 000 a week and not £60 000. He was also the guy who threatened to sue Google, who seriously takes on Google, except China. I maybe wrong (it has been known) so if you genuinely like Ashley Cole, feel free to let us know. Cheers

Til Next Time, Stay Safe!