Archive for September, 2010


September 17, 2010

The Bodyguard


Hola. Hope you are well. 

On my last post I mentioned that I had a meeting that clashed with the England vs Bulgaria game. My plan was to surreptitiously listen to the game on my Walkman whilst pretending to pay attention to the meeting. Unfortunately it didn’t work out that way, as there was no way of doing this without getting noticed. Plus I had mentioned it on my blog prior to the meeting, which was probably not the best idea. Note to self, if you ever plan a bank raid don’t mention it on a public forum. Anyway back to my predicament, as the match was almost over by the time the meeting finished, my new plan was to go home and watch the highlights. Unfortunately this didn’t happen either, because when I got home the girlfriend was watching the film ‘The Bodyguard’, and as she seemed to be enjoying it, despite having seen it before, I decided not to mention the highlights. I did however get to see the goals on the news at 6am the next morning, so it wasn’t a total failure. 

Prior to the Switzerland game, there were allegations in a number of Sunday newspapers that Wayne Rooney had visited a £1200 a night prostitute, Jennifer Thompson, for four months. This made me think it must be confusing for any young Premiership footballers looking to spend their hard earnt cash. Because whereas Jennifer Thompson reportedly charges £1200 a night, Monica Mint allegedly charged Peter Crouch a little over £800 for a ‘sex act’. Who do you choose in these circumstances? This is why I’ve decided to launch a price comparison site for prostitutes. On it would be the services they offer, vital statistics, their USP and the prices they charge. I think it’s such a good idea I may offer it up to the Dragons on the next series of Dragons’ Den. I’d love to know what Duncan Bannatyne thinks of this idea. 

The rumours surrounding Wayne’s indiscretions (I think that’s what the broadsheets call it) meant there was talk he may not make the trip to play against Switzerland and instead he might go back home and sort things out with his wife Coleen. If I was him (and I’m not) the last place on earth I’d want to be at a time like this would be at home with the wife. In fact I’d want the next 6 months of games to be away games. 

Luckily Wayne saw sense and played against Switzerland, which was good news for me as I had him to score the first goal, which he duly obliged, netting me a whopping £5 (plus my £1:25 stake). Because I’m bonkers when it comes to money, I’ve already blown the lot.

I think I should draw a veil over the whole Rooney allegations or as Mr Ferguson put it before the Everton vs Man Utd game “Let’s put this to bed”, nice choice of words Sir Alex. The way I see it, I wasn’t there I don’t know what went on, plus it’s none of my business it’s between Wayne and Coleen to sort out. And let’s face it, every man in a relationship pays for sex, even if it’s just having to sit through The Bodyguard.

After the 2 England games there was speculation as to who would be the next England manager, as Fabio Capello had announced that he would step down after Euro 2010. And with the FA having previously said the next English manager would be English, the press were even keener than normal to speculate. Naturally cheeky chappy cockney manager Harry Redknapp threw his own hat into the ring early. I was going to start an anyone but Harry Redknapp campaign, that was until I learnt the other candidates high on the list were Steve Bruce and Sam Allardyce so now I’m going to say Good Luck as England manager Harry. 

And Finally… my favourite bit of the double-header was the fact that some Scotland fans booed the Liechtenstein national anthem. If you’re wondering why, it’s because the Liechtenstein national anthem has the same music as ‘God Save the Queen’ (but diff words). I have to applaud each and every Scottish fan that booed, I appreciate that level of bitterness. Oh and many congratulations on your historic victory in the game! 

Til next time, stay safe!

which pr*ck scheduled a game for a friday

September 2, 2010

sony walkman


Hola. Hope you are well. 

I’m going to start with a couple of apologies. Firstly in my last post I may have suggested that Monica Mint, the prostitute allegedly linked with Peter Crouch was Spanish, when in fact she is actually Algerian. I sincerely hope I haven’t ruined her reputation. 

My second apology is for taking ages to do a new post, I’m not sure where time goes. I’ve been busy (for me) and then I did some shows at the Edinburgh Festival (see here) and then I had to catch up after going to the Edinburgh festival. 

So this is the first post since the start of the Premiership season, which gives me the chance to look at how my Premiership predictions (as first mentioned in the previous post) are getting on. The first thing to note is that, I think we all felt it would be a massive effort for Stoke to finish the season as Champions, but it will be even more incredible after the start they’ve made. But I still have hope that they can do it, especially as they managed to sign Jermaine Pennant and re-sign Salif Diao just before deadline day. These two could be the signings that are going to propel Stoke to Premiership glory, or not. Wigan on the other hand started off as if they were trying to finish in19th place. It’s bad enough losing to Blackpool 4-0 on the opening day, but when you make Marlon Harewood look like Lionel Messi, you know it might be a long hard season. (Yep, I know Wigan just beat Spurs 1-0 at White Hart Lane, it’s things like this, why I should post more regularly) 

Probably the most intriguing transfer that took place in the Summer window was Craig Bellamy going on a season long loan to Cardiff. On the face of it, it did seem a little unfair to the other Championship teams, as Man City are still paying the majority of his wages. Meaning Cardiff get a Premiership quality player for next to no outlay. I think in the spirit of fairness, Man City should have been made to send all their fringe players out to championship clubs. I could just see Robinho being more than happy to turn out for Scunthorpe

One other player on the move in this window was Javier Mascherano from Liverpool to Barcelona. One of his last acts as a Liverpool player was to pull out of the game against Man City. It’s claimed that he didn’t want to play because he wasn’t in the ‘right mental state’. I think the next time you pull a sickie you should use that as your excuse, feel free to let us know how that goes. Let’s face it, if it were law that we had to be in the right mental state (and physical state) before we could work, I imagine half the British workforce would be off every day. 

And Finally…. which pr*ck has scheduled the Euro qualifier between Eng and Bulgaria for a Friday? One thing we know abt football is that it is played on a Saturday and Wednesday. And on a Sunday. And Monday and a Tuesday. And sometimes on a Thurs, if you’re lucky enough to be in the Europa League. But never on a Friday. This is why when asked a couple of weeks ago, could I make a meeting this Friday, I said Yes. Only to discover this clashes with the game. But not to worry as I have a cunning plan, I will take my cassette/radio Walkman and keep in touch with the game that way. And before you ask, yes I do have a Walkman, and yes I do know it’s not 1984. Just get over it, you Ipod loving …. 

Til next time, stay safe!