Archive for August, 2010

Mystic Julian

August 13, 2010

Hola. Hope you are well.

On my last post I invited Premiership football clubs to contact me, so I could prove I could make 100 successful tackles in the upcoming season. It’s been a bit quiet on that front, when I say quiet I mean non-existent. But not to worry I am now holding out for an International call up. The rate the players are retiring, I may just have a chance.

Sun August 8th 2010 was a particularly sad day for English football as both England’s 5th/6th choice keeper Paul Robinson and ginger haired black man, Wes Brown, retired on this day. I thought the Queen should have announced 7 days of mourning on hearing the news. From my understanding, Wes Brown retired because he wants to stay fit for Man Utd, which is fair enough when you consider his injury record. It seems Paul Robinson quit out of spite. Having previously been ‘snubbed’ by Fabio Capello, he waited until he was called up for the Hungary game before announcing his retirement. In relationship terms, it is the classic, person gets dumped, then they spend all their time and effort getting back with that person, they get back together with the sole intention of dumping the original dumper.

If anyone is unsure as to the score of the Hungary game, England won 2-1. I only mention this because the game got over shadowed by Fabio mentioning in an interview that David Beckham had played his last game for England. The only problem was that it seemed Fabio hadn’t told David first. In relationship terms, this is like getting a friend to tell the person you’re going out with that they are dumped. The only difference is, in this scenario the friend happens to be a national TV station watched by millions and the dumpee is David Beckham.

Talking of relationships, Peter Crouch’s could be in trouble after he was linked with a Spanish teenage prostitute, Monica Mint  (see here). Teenage prostitute that’s  two words you don’t want attached to your name. I imagine when Monica was born, her parents hoped she’d become a doctor, a lawyer or maybe even run the country, little did they know 19 years later she would be described in newspapers around the world as a ‘teenage prostitute’. It was alleged that he paid her over £800 to perform a sex act. £800??? I’m quite clearly in the wrong industry. Although if I was a male prostitute (and I’m not) I wouldn’t get any footballers as clients, because we all know there are no gay footballers. This figure of £800 did make me wonder if she was paying any tax on her earnings, and if so what can she claim back as a legitimate business expense, handcuffs, whips, condoms? It’s small talk like this why I don’t visit prostitutes, that and the girlfriend.

In other relationship/football news Craig Bellamy has said Roberto Mancini has not spoken to him since February. That is some committment to the cause by Roberto. Let me know of any silent treatment stories you’ve been involved in. What’s the longest fall out you’ve had with friends, partners and relatives etc… Feel free to tell us via the comments button.

And Finally… In my attempt to come more famous than an octopus I’ve tried to predict the positions for the upcoming Premiership season. I did this with a highly scientific method, I wrote all the Premiership teams on strips of paper and put in one bowl, and wrote out the numbers 1-20 and put in another bowl. And because I didn’t want to be accused of sabotage I got my girlfriend to pick from the two bowls. (who said romance was dead).

These are the positions the teams will finish in the 2010-11 season :

20) Tottenham

19) Wigan

18) Everton

17) Bolton

16) West Brom

15) Blackpool

14) Arsenal

13) Man City

12) Fulham

11) Birmingham City

10) Aston Villa

9) Wolves

8) Blackburn

7) West Ham

6) Man Utd

5) Chelsea

4) Sunderland

3) Liverpool

2) Newcastle


So according to my predictions Stoke City are going to win the Premiership this season, who would have thought that? Let me know if you think any of the teams will finish in the position they were drawn out in. We will consult this list at the end of the season.

Til next time stay safe!

Man moves from London to the North, shocker

August 7, 2010



Hola. Hope you are all well. 

I can’t believe the football season has started. It’s been a relatively quiet summer, transfer wise. Man City have been the only club really spending and even though they’ve signed some good players, Silva, Yaya Toure etc… they’re not I would call exciting signings. 

In fact the transfer that seems to have got the most column inches has been a free transfer, that being Joe Cole’s move to Liverpool. One thing that seems to have fascinated some journalists, is that despite playing all his football in London, Joe decided to move ‘up North’. Yet from the time man has been able to travel, people from the North have had to dust down their flat caps, take the whippets from their pants and move to London for work. Yet as soon as people have to go the other way there’s a hullabaloo. For example, the BBC’s decision to move a few departments to Salford has caused much debate. I even read in one paper (so it must be true) that some BBC staff have had to have counselling because of the move. (read here

It’s not as if there’s a real cultural difference moving from London to the North, it’s not like moving from Glasgow to Moscow, which Aiden McGeady will have to do if he decides to move to Spartak Moscow. That would be a culture shock, because when I think of Moscow, I think of grey buildings, miserable weather and heavy drinkers and when I think of Glasgow… Come to think of it I’m sure he will be fine. 

Talking of Liverpool, as I was with Joe Cole, there’s been plenty of speculation about a takeover, it seems like there’s a new name in the frame everyday. There’s been Kenny Huang and the Chinese Government and the Syrian consortium, to name two. Some people have questioned whether it would be right for Liverpool to be owned by an arm of the Chinese government, what with China’s poor human rights record. The sad thing is Hicks and Gillette are so unpopular, that I reckon if Hitler, Pol Pot or Robert Mugabe turned up at Anfield promising a new stadium and money to invest in the team, I’m sure most fans would prefer them to the two Americans that currently own the club. 

Talking of takeovers, Blackburn have been linked with a £350m buy out. If I was so rich that I could afford to buy a football club, I wouldn’t, but if was going to, I can’t imagine Blackburn Rovers would be high on my list. 

Staying in the Northwest and this time Blackpool. I happened to be watching my local news (it must have been a slow day) and saw that Blackpool players were opening a Cheque centre. Firstly, what is a Cheque centre? Secondly, have cheques only just reached Blackpool? And Thirdly, aren’t other places fazing out cheques? Other than that Good luck with the venture. 

Anyway onto the colourful life that is Diego Maradona. After he was recently ousted as Argentinian coach, he read out a statement, in it he claimed, “I have values, I have a moral code”. I would also suggest he has a selective memory, has he forgotten ‘that’ handball, the drug taking, the shooting at journalists? God Bless him. 

And Finally… I’m not one for facts or statistics, as you probably know if you’ve read any of my previous posts. But I was fascinated when I saw the Opta Stats, with regard to tackles in the Premiership last season. Javier Mascherano made the most tackles 178 and won 144 of them. What surprised me was that only 4 players made more than 100 successful tackles with Lucas Leiva the fourth of these, making 102 successful tackles. This made me think, there are 38 Premiership matches and let’s say for the purposes of this, a player misses 5 games, therefore playing 33 games. This would mean all a player would have to do to reach 100 successful tackles, would be to do 3 successful tackles in every match and 4 in one. Surely that is doable. I’m not one of these fans who say “I could have scored that” but I reckon I could make more than 100 successful tackles in a season. If any Premiership clubs are reading this and would like me to back up my claims, feel free to contact me and we can talk. 

Til next time, stay safe.